eh...

 I think I have no love left for my brother. He is the most selfish, insecure, disgusting life form I've ever come across. I've read about characters like him, but I was yet to cross one and here he is. I don't understand were his selfishness stems from. All he cares about is himself and he actually has no feelings for his family. He has no respect for his family, love is out of the question but he doesn't even have a sliver bit of respect for his parents. I've told my mom to throw him out, but that is never going to happen and he would never leave.

 In all honesty, his existence stiffens the air around me. My younger siblings are the one's who feel the back lash of his behavior. He hangs out with his stupid friends and come home, fights with my parents and we have to sit in one room and listen to the screams get louder and louder. 

 My dad's gone now and he's trying to be the king of the castle. Except no one really listens to what he says and I've always been the dominant one. Being a leader comes naturally to me and surprisingly, people tend to follow what I suggest - I never force my views down someone's throat I just suggest. That makes him so angry and he has to disagree with me even if he makes himself look like an absolute fool. 

Another positive and negative: He's not taking drugs, I know and the negative is that this is the real him. Nothing is making him act in a certain way, he's just an awful person. I'm done trying to look at him through reflecting glass and trying to find a good part. I don't think he has that part in him.

This is not me having a temper tantrum or outburst. It's my helpless confession.

Gone....

He's gone. Left yesterday, he cried when he left. I cried when he left, my dad's a really emotional person and I'm not but seeing him go made cry from the inside. He'll be fine his friends are there and ....something.
At the end of the day I love my father and I made sure I told him that repeatedly.

It's happened...

My dad is leaving, he turned to my mom a few days ago and said, one time in his life he's allowed to take off without any obligations and bindings. That's exactly what he said! Now he's going off! He quit his job, moved nearly all his money from his bank account to my mom's and he's leaving. He told us he needs to go on a spiritual retreat. Ha! as if.

I know he doesn't have another family and he's not cheating on my mom. He says he needs time to himself. I'm wondering if this is all my doing, I did say anything wrong but it did sound harsh. Did I do this? I know he's really disappointed in his kids. My brother keeps going the down the chain of decency,  and I? Other than my refusal to marry, I've been a model child and also other than my sharp tongue.

My mom seems surprisingly OK with all of this. She says she knows where he's going, I think he might be going to India or Turkey. Either way our families are there and his friends. I'm losing sleep, again.

Things I never take for granted....

1. Food -
 you have to really be hungry to understand and appreciate and be grateful for food. Fasting is a good tactic, I've been doing that this past month and do I have a new appreciation for food. Also I've been to India and that itself is revelation. India is not just the Taj Mahal place and certainly is not how it's depicted, at times. It's not a very nice place, it's depressing and hallow, but when I walked away from it I had learned something. I've learned not to waste food, as much.


2. My parents over-protectiveness - I've always been grateful for this, even if it is annoying.

3. The way my mind works - my brain is my best friend, no one gets me like my brain does. 

4. Productive day - days when you know you can do anything, like today. I've been working all day and fasting, but I got everything done and then some.
P.s. My Roman Catholic grandmother keeps sprinkling me with holy water because I'm fasting. My dad's not a Catholic, that's a big negative factor in our family, but even worse to them is that all his kids and wife follow his religion.  It's fascinating really.

so messed up!

It finally happened, my poor computer up and died! why, oh, why did it have to die? Lost all my pictures, data, documents and e-books!!!

I know it was old and it's fan broke, but I stuck an even bigger fan behind.

Anyways, I put together one of my dad's discarded computers. He upgrades his computers like Paris Hilton upgrades her shoes. New season, new computers and he's a software engineer, I'm sure that contributes to his actions. 

Now I have a new/old computer that is much faster and doesn't turn off when it heats, but I still miss mine. 

 Also I got an internship in an Eco-friendly company. Is it wise working really hard and not getting paid? I should just work with this until something better - that pays - comes up the horizon. My first assignment is to finds sponsors for an upcoming event, I'm a little nervous and excited. Surprisingly, I'm not skeptical of my abilities, turns out I have more faith in myself than I realize. Despite the possible rejections I'm still going strong.

 

My purpose in life...

  I figured this out this week. I'm so driven towards a goal I've set for myself and in reality I don't even want it. In the sense, I do want to accomplish it but I don't crave it. I do want to complete my education and become mildly successful. (mildly because I don't really care about money, I know it'll give me the good life but I like the mild struggle in life). I want to do that in order to accomplish what I feel is my real goal in life. I realized it this week when my mom was grilling me, according to her my purpose in life should be getting married, procreating and gain joy from that. I'd rather skip that part and go in the other direction.

 No matter who I speak to they always except ans accept parenthood and matrimony to be their final destination. I've spoken to religious people, stupid people and even one porn star. Why don't I see it that way?

 Lately, I'd been noticing my sister would sneer every time the topic marriage/love came up. I've influenced that aspect of her way thinking. I set her straight, told her not to be like me and she's not - she's sweet and nurturing. She loves kids and wants to be an interior designer. She has that motherly air about her and you know she's going to be a great mom some day. I don't want to be a negative influence on her, so I told her not to be like. I'm wired the wrong way, I just see things different and want other things. Sometimes I think I've told myself that so many times, I've actually started to believe it and accept it. 

New Goal: Study hard, good college, stable job, clear debt, gain financial independence and then travel. When will I be able to accomplish this by? I'm already 24, so damn, freaking old! 

Need new list for educational goals! 

Lisa: Well, I'm going to be a famous jazz musician. I've got it all figured out. I'll be unappreciated in my own country, but my gutsy blues stylings will electrify the French. I'll avoid the horrors of drug abuse, but I do plan to have several torrid love affairs, and I may or may not die young. I haven't decided.

Cold truth...

 I think I'm a prude. I've not unworldly, just a prude... I think. I've just never had er...lets say - "exciting adventures." Depressing, really depressing. How the heck am I supposed to get my list moving if I'm a prude?

 My last romantic involvement was about 4 years ago, my first and last. Even though I didn't have high expectations for it was thoroughly disappointing. I didn't go into it with dreamy eyes and unreal expectations.

Would I have a redo? Hell no! 

Would I have done things differently? Hell no! 

Should I have had this relationship with another person? Hell no!

I don't regret it, I don't mourn it and I don't anything it. When I felt that I realized I just shouldn't be in it. It was bland and I love bland things; rice, noodles, raw almonds and so on.What was the point of attempting something when you didn't want to make an effort for it? 

Amen! 

Well, I never did and now I'm becoming robot.

Another cold truth:

I think my parents have awful kids.

Another:

I think I love the color violet/purple/royal blue.

There I've said it!

All better after sleep

  Couldn't fall asleep, but I eventually did fall into an exhausted sleep. I didn't wake up 'til 11 am and before my eyes open I didn't regret anything. Unlike many people I never wake-up confused about where I am. Mind starts working the moment I start rousing. I always know where ever I an and what took place the previous day. I don't wake up disoriented, I have bad eye sight so I might think one of my brothers is the other one (not my fault they they keep growing).

 Just like that, the moment my mind blinked awake - it said," I don't regret it." Just like that I didn't regret it. I do want to pick-up my dad and cuddle him like a baby, but I haven't because he did need hear what I wanted to say. Harsh as it may have seemed, but it got his attention and I know he's thought it over. He's not angry or passive-aggressive, it's my mom who was making me feel awful. She's done with her moment, it's all gone back to normal. I think my dad will bring this up someday and I'll tell him why.

 Also I'm not going to run damage control all the time. I'm allowed to have my moments and those unfortunate, stupid bad days. 

It all comes at once

Tara's car broke down two miles from my house at 11 pm. Of course she called me and obviously I went to help here. I should remember never to get behind the wheel when I'm upset. When I saw backing the car, I felt I was going crooked and then looked out my side and saw our neighbor's car really close to mine. Anyways I jumped out and looked and there it was a whole bunch of paint streak on their car. Luckily I don't think I caused it because my car doesn't bear any sign of causing the damage. 

 Needless to say I freaked out and I came home and quizzed both my brothers on the condition of our neighbors car. Then the whole day's misery just came bursting out of me and I sobbed myself to the point of exhaustion. They held me and patted my head tentatively. It made me feel a little lighter but not better. I really don't want tomorrow, I already regret it's existence.

What have I done?

I've managed to turn everyone against me. When my dad yelled at me, he was angry and I know him he doesn't mean anything by it. I wrote him that mean email, even though it was the truth, I don't think anyone hurt him like I did. My mom has been crying all day, my dad is talking to me but he won't look at me.  I called him selfish and truly, he's not. He's one of the nicest guys in the world. What have I done? I always over think everything I do, but yesterday I forced myself not to over think and just send the email. I've become one those people who hurt him. I'm miserable, so miserable. I don't think I've ever felt like this in my life.

Draining night/day and again night... I think

 Isaac threw me under the bus completely. I'm crushed and spattered all over the pavement. Everyone blames me and no one will believe me, even if I did tell them everything. I'm a martyr, nor am I victim. I don't need Isaac to take the blame because it was my decision first, but it would be nice if he stood up and said he didn't want this either. Isaac wont even admit to me that girl is his girlfriend, he really wants to appear clean.His mother called and didn't say her son wants to be with another girl that's why we should call it of. No, she said we should call it off because I'm so against it. She might as well have said, its because your daughter is so insolent. Of-course she wont let her son look bad in front of people.

 My folks are whole different story. I had big showdown with  my parents, mostly my dad. I confided in him about Isaac's "girlfriend" and he of-course wanted to confront him about it. I told my dad that Isaac confided in me because he's a coward and he doesn't have the guts to take it and I do. That made my dad really furious and that made me feel really special. In the evening, Isaac's mother called and we had another confrontation. That's when it became truly ugly, my dad accused me of making a mockery of our family. Apparently, he doesn't care how I feel and how dare I do this. How is going to face the family after this. I just felt small. 

 A few hours ago, I wrote him an email saying I'm done with him and the family. I'm done feeling bad because I do the right thing. I told him a lot of mean things, I actually told him the truth. Final conclusion: I am a coward because I would have broken down if I had to say those things to his face.

School, work and no pay!

I've set a goal instead of USC I've decided to go to UCLA Anderson Business School.

1. It's close than USC.
2. It's much less expensive.
3. They actually have a program that focuses entirely on HR management.

I'm actually losing sleep thinking about the cost. My dad doesn't want me to work and I'm starting to agree with him. According, to the applications I need job 3+ years job experience which I have. I've worked as a research assistant, receptionist, and private tutor. It also says I need internship points, I have one internship experience. Now I need to get more, I think I'm going to try my college or hospital. 

Money is what is keeping me awake at night. The tuition is $34,098.00, with loans, grants and full-time unemployed student privileges I still won't be able to cover it. Plus, my dad has more kids and a household to run. I'm hyperventilating, hysterical and insomniac. 

I'm applying for scholarships and I hope something comes up. I really hope so but there are so many people who that and so many who probably deserve it more than. I need to do something. 

1. Apply for more scholarships.
2. Look for internships in HR departments.
3. Look for part-time jobs.

Well well well...

   I did something out of my element yesterday. I went a Psychic convention, yesterday on a ranch in the middle of nowhere. All I can say it was an experience, completely bogus, but it was an experience. Something new, there were whole bunch of middle age ladies who were so convinced about something. I won the raffle for a session of reiki, which I still do not understand. Tara won something called spiritual healing pouch, it had lavender scented stones that will drive away bad chakara, I think. 

 I've had my run in with psychics, in fact when I was in my teen angst years I decided I needed to speak to one. A few years, I spoke to one and she told me I was going to go overseas and it happened. I kind of like the mystery of life even though there is a part of me that is patient for the good parts. Another I spoke to a psychic and grilled her so much she told me I'm to negative to have anything good happen to me. Somehow that made me feel better. 

I have more interesting news: Isaac has a girlfriend, my families attempting to-be forced fiancee has a girlfriend. I was thrilled, but like I said was. Apparently, there are layers to this story than I realized. 

 Isaac wants me take the blame and put an end to this, no surprise there.  As usual I will be made the bad guy, I'm always the bad guy. He actually begged for me to give him my word that I would not confide in my parents because his parents shouldn't loose face in front of anyone. Now I'm wondering what is end game was, I had a discussion with him once and he said, "If anything goes wrong it won't be our fault, but our parents." That offended me, meaning he was waiting for it to go wrong and not take any blame. 

Overall, I'll be glad to put this drama to bed. Even though I'm feeling a bit used and manipulated. More than anything I feel like this burden is lifted off my shoulders. I was afraid one day I would be having a bad day and just give in. I guess I should have more faith in myself and hope that things will work out in my favor. I really want to tell my dad the truth, but I promised I won't. I wonder what I should do?