Will not give up

   I wont give up, I can't betray myself. I'm feeling the full burn of pressure of family loyalty, honor and emotional blackmail. I feel so alone, I can confide in someone but everyone thinks this is for the best. I'm really feeling like I'm drowning and they haven't even begun. 

  I don't seem to have any supporters either even my friends think this is splendid idea. My sister and younger bro are my only supporters but their inputs can't be considered valid. They can't force me to do this but they can certainly trick me into it. "NO" is like a bad word from my mouth.
 

Tired

Wealth of peace is the most luxurious possession.
When robbed it leaves nothing behind.
Torn hinges are meaningless, unless mended from beyond.

Call of the Wild

 

 Night came on, and a full moon rose
high over the trees, lighting the land
till it lay bathed in ghostly day… and
the strain of the primitive remained alive
and active. 

 Faithfulness and devotion,
things born of fire and roof, were his;
yet he retained his wildness and wiliness.
And from the depths of the forest - the
call still sounded.

 

I think I'm in sitcom - things just keep happening!

  Today I was attacked by a swarm of bees. I was just minding my own damn business and cleaning the fire place with an awesome spray called Lemon Pledge. Out of  nowhere there are three bees buzzing around me then four and five and suddenly seven. Apparently, this cleaning spray has the same ingredients a queen bee er...has? Basically the lemon scent has the same smell of queen bee's pheromones or something like that. After that I had to find a natural way of getting rid of them, so I goggled  "how to get rid of bees." Well, they don't like cucumber peel's scent and candles. Took me two hours to get them out of the living room, two hours I'm never getting back. Two hours or swatting, jumping and squealing.

 Seriously, I'm not a klutz but why the heck am I walking into things. My little bro's bike fell on my right leg a few days ago and today I walked into the door. I'm pretty sure I've broken my two right middle toes. If I lived in the stone age they would just chop of my leg. It's useless now, I hopping around the house and we live on the third floor.

Its totally true! AND THE DOOR IS JUST PLAIN EVIL!

I'm really tired fixing up the house and setting up the room for my aunt. My mom made runs errands, first to Home Depot, the 99 cent store, then Home Depot again (wrong drawer handles), then grocery store, then Food 4 Less and then told me to find a Salvation Army dump box. I did all that on my weird leg and my dad is coming tomorrow morning I have to pick him.  Plus, my dad told me to get his van, which I'm surprised by. After I bumped it he told me he didn't even want me breathing on it.

 Like I said sitcom, at least I have fresh storylines and my sister certainly seems amused by all of this.

Famalia

  
  My dad is coming this weekend, I really have been missing him. He's also bringing by aunt er...(what should I name her) Esther? Mary? She's my dad middle sister, very bossy and very diplomatic. Also my cousin, Terrance (hmm..do I like this name?) my dad's youngest sister's son is here because his company send him over to Sunnyvale. Anyways, I'm going to get a big dose of family drama and pressure. Maybe I should start drinking, it seems to be a solution to many individuals problems or is it the other way around?

 Funny thing I don't care about the pressure. My family is going to a big dose of insolence from me. I'm so done with them and I'm done with being guilty.

P.s. I love making up names when I'm writing these blog entries. Its clear my aunt is not a Mary and my cousin is soooo not Terrance It makes me feel like an author except my story is all true. I love the anonymity, I just love it.  

The Return of the LIST

1. Increase GPA from 3.6 to 4.00 - Been working on this but I messed up the math test. Most likely the history and Anthropology test, too. I was ill during the mid terms, but my current grade in my Computer Science class is an A, 99.87%. Lets see how that goes.

2. Learn to be more confident when following directions and doing math. Kinda, I think. It's really hard being a math geniuses daughter. 

3. Practice Math and Painting - don't you dare let your GPA drop because you suck at math!!! 
Uh....ah...er....

4. Go on a date - mom keeps asking if I'm lesbian, need to shut her up. 
Not happening at all, I'm having trouble here. Should I risk my friendship and attempt something? Hmm...conflicted.

5. Kiss a boy - didn't kiss a single boy in 2012 - shame on you!
 Still in the shame box, but its only April!


6. Gain weight - screw people who say its so hard to loose weight, try gaining weight with fast metabolism and over active energy!!! 
It happens and then its gone.

7. Go out with friends every week.
 I do this but it's every other week! I think that's good enough, scratch.
 
8. Explore LA - for GODSSAKE! you've lived here all your life.  Do you feel pleased when tourist come here and learn your hometown better than you? Do you? DO YOU???
No I do not! Again it's still April!

9. Stop drinking eggnog and blogging - you don't even like eggnog. Check!!! I don't drink it makes me all confused.

10. Loose the celibacy status and just do something. puh-lease!!!!! 
Freaking shame-box!

11. Become more organized - working on this already good for you!  
Sometimes, although my bursting closet makes me look like a liar!
 
12. Stop obsessing over details, go with the flow! 
HA! That will happen!
 
13. NO obligation towards anyone - except the Mom and the "two minions."  
I'm trying, really am and I'm making progress.     

14. Pick a simple,everyday hairstyle and make it permanent.  
Did this except my hair grew back and now I have to go chop it off again.

15. Do something risky - meaning unlike you, without over thinking every little detail - like kissing a cute boy without any reason.
DID IT! Went clubbing! Still haven't kissed a cute boy.

16. Look for a job - being a tutor is the only job you've ever had! Even if you don't take a job go for the interviews. 
Yes!!!
  17.Keep adding to this list, be adventurous!  YES!

18. Try getting up earlier in the mornings - sometimes but I want to try harder.

19. Appreciate simple things, for instance the view from my window!! Totally do!

20. Stop beginning comfortable - no more hobo look - this is the hardest, I love hobo me - its the only time I have unconditional adoration direct to myself. 

I love my hobo pants and shirts!

21. Don't walk so fast - you're always panting when you reach your destination - only dogs pant!  

Got this down and now I arrive late everywhere! Who am I kidding? I can't be late anywhere, I still rush like I'm about to save the world.

22. Don't correct the teacher - no matter how pompous and dumb they are - that is was the reason your GPA fell lower. I was supposed to get an A+ in my business class last semester, why didn't I get it? - because the teacher didn't like anyone opposing his opinion. You're thoughts aren't as important as your GPA or future.  

This is I truly follow, in fact I don't even speak in class any more. Atta girl!

23: Go club hopping. Hell yea!

 
                                 

I'm DONE!

   I'm done having the same discussions with my mom and I'm done having car trouble. I'm truly and really done! I'm done having bad days, I'm done having to feel bad every time I stand up for myself. I'm done putting up with my brother. I'm done whining, I'm done feeling bad. I'm simply just done!

 Jeremy's bike fell on my leg an d bruised the whole thing. I had a restless night and to top it off I had a nightmare. Usually, I don't have dream and when I do they don't make any sense what so ever. In my nightmare, my parents tricked me into marrying Issac  and I didn't realise it until my whole life was slipping away from me. Suddenly I was married, then I had responsibilities of a married young lady. I couldn't study anymore, I had other obligations and the freaking nightmare was so real. Whenever I  have a nightmare it effects my day, technically I have a very bad day.

  I was late to class, stupid bro Orson decided to tag along. First he went for his infamous showers and then he decided he wanted a full breakfast. So my dear mother made him one and then he packed up all his belongings - he has more accessories than me and my sister combined together. By the time I got on the 118 it was 12, my class begins at 12:10. The freeway was empty and I speed through and behind me a cop comes up. Of-course I freak out and I plan to pull over and my genius bro says no its not for you. Then the cop puts on his siren and pulls me over and hands me citation.

  I felt so upset, after I got the citation I burst into tears. My brother's response is "shut up." I felt so upset and for once in his life instead of consoling me, he tells me to shut up. When we pull up in school I tell him to hurry out of the car, I was alread 30 mins late to class but he decides to sit in the car and text! Some girl starts walking by and he decides to further slow his journey out of the car. I snapped and yelled at him, I have never ever caused a scene in public. I called him a bitch and his response was "Don't talk to me like that." Like I care some girl is watching him. The he cussed me out, too. What a beautiful morning that was!

Now I have a court date, that qualifies as a date - got No.4 out of the way.

Dancing the night away

   

  Well I did, went clubbing and I have to say its soooooooooooooooooooo overrated! I'm glad I went though. There is something really nice about dressing up to the tens and have guys howl at you. Its also a great feeling to know you are hot enough to get into any club, but of-course if those people who let me in saw me now they wouldn't let me near the street of their club.

   I had fun, danced with Tara and some guys who moved up behind me. I didn't get carried away like Tara, I danced for a bit and then moved away. I have no interest in guys rubbing themselves against me. The only reason I danced with strange guys was because of this: 

It was weird, too. Some people were saying the club was so cool and classy. I felt as if it was one my friend's house living room with the lights turned down.

Clubs are designed to objectify and make women feel wanted, guys - not so much. So I danced with a couple of guys for this reason. Also I danced with lesbian or a gay guy couldn't figure it out. I didn't have any awkward moments, I just danced the night away. It felt good, not just the dancing but knowing that isn't my world. I felt so relieved knowing that isn't apart of who I am.   

Tonites the night!!!

I'm so excited about tonight I can barely contain my excitement. It's about to be 3 am and I can't sleep. I bought a perfect little black dress and it looks really great on me.  You can never go wrong with a little black dress.

My moms a little upset that I'm going to out so late at night. She also thinks I'm going to watch a theater play in Orange county, which is a good hour and half away from where we live. I really don't care if anyone has a problem with my going out tonight. I just want to have this experience, even if it is a little belated. Better late than never, right?

Another Year - About me

  Well, I'm officially 24 years old. I feel old, so very old. Writing the number down is making me feel older. I can be considered a lady in her mid-twenties. Makes me feel worse.

My birthday is April 1st, yes I know April Fools Day - never heard that before. I like my birthday its a conversation starter, just like my name. The day of  my birth was interesting, according to my mom I was her easiest child. I was born within 5 hours, contractions, labor and the "miracle of birth." My mom said she barely remembers the pain she had when she was giving birth to me. After I was born, she called her five sisters to tell them she'd given birth to a girl and no one believed her. Until mid-day no one came to see her, I was born at 5 am (on the dot). My grandfather finally decided to come down to the hospital and see for himself. That's how unreliable the news of my birth was.

 THE PRESENT:

 Now I feel pressure on me, marriage, education and self-criticism. 

Marriage is something that has my mother pulling her out by her roots.  

Education is something that is a painfully slow process, that is 
turning my life into a drag.  

Self-criticism, my expectations for myself can never be met. Sometimes I feel like I've become part of the person who I strive to be and sometimes I wonder why its taking me so long to become the person I want to be.