This is very humiliating for me to write, I don't ever confess this to anyone. I'm a adult, woman in her early twenties. I love my body and most of the time, all of me. I have no shame in being me, I respect me and I can face me. To explain this, I guess I should start at the beginning.
I was raised by naive (stupid), innocent (stand by the previous adjective), young(idiots - too harsh?) parents. They were so not prepared to have a child, they got married in June and I was in their lap during their one year anniversary. My parents were so frightened of me becoming a drug addict or learning about sex, they home-schooled me. They also had more unplanned children and my mom became really ill.
I taught myself most of the time, didn't really effect me. They decided having a television would be bad influence on our up bringing, so they eliminated t.v. from our life. I don't hate them for that, it kindled my love for books. I remember my childhood was filled with books like Johnny Tremain, Little Women, Gone with the Wind, etc,. No regrets there, but I never realized how sheltered I was until I was 16 and learned about sex. Yes, I didn't learn about sex until I was 16. I had taken a health class, but my dad did some of my homework because it wasn't appropriate. Even though I read, I didn't read raunchy books. I was pretty much an idiot there.
In 11th grade, I performed so well on the standardized testing or something (I can't even recall). The school thought I cheated because I didn't shine all the time, so they conducted several tests on me. My IQ turned out to be 164, apparently, I was a genius. I got a scholarship for Otis and got an acceptance letter from Dartmouth and Berkeley. I took Otis and regreted it, but I'm done licking my wounds now.
The point of this is to show how sheltered I was, my parents are pretty religious, too. Earthquake last week, who caused it? God - not some goddamn tectonic plates shifting, it was because God was pissed off. Of-course, I would die before shaking their faith.
Despite everything my parents taught me respect, I gave it to myself the most. I never abuse or demean myself, I may criticize certain aspect of my character but I don't degrade me. I know I'm worth something. As for my IQ, I'm intelligent. Not in the mathematical sense, but I'm highly intelligent. Not arrogance, I just observe and process things faster.
My point being is those two were combined together it would equal me. This is so hard for me to admit, but I'm a virgin. I've never had intercourse, I've attempted but not hard enough, apparently. I just been in my own world, suddenly I'm finding my inexperience to be a burden - I don't like the other term. I'm a young, intelligent woman, I'm open minded but why haven't I ever ventured down that path. I've tried to, I've come very close to doing the deed, but when I thought about it that moment didn't feel right. I didn't want my first time to be unpleasant or humiliating, I didn't want to regret it for the rest of my life. So, I just sort of tucked it away and forgot about it. I never admit this to anyone, other than Tara and my family just assumes I would never think something as sinful as that.
I would never admit that to a guy. No one ever suspects I'm a virgin, however, they do assume I've not had a lot of experience. Idiots, actually, I think I might be an idiot - dunno. Now, I'm getting out of my comfort zone and I might lose it - that's making me uneasy. I've been wanting to get rid of this burden, but I seem to be clutching to it really tightly. I'm baffling myself, usually, everything makes sense in the morning. Not this time, I'm conflicted - should I lose it to this guy who confuses me or wait for someone else? I haven't told him, but I think he suspected at first but I don't think he does anymore. I've mastered the art of flirting, I still get confused but he seems like a patient person.
