I feel ugly...

  Feeling ugly, that is such a feminine cliche. Usually, I'm at peace with my appearance. I don't over do my make-up, by the end of the day nearly all of it is gone and I don't feel hideous. Off late, my skin is reacting to the heat. I've been breaking out and discolor in patches all over my body, especially my legs. Hence, the ugly feeling hovering over me like a stormy cloud. Summer is not my favorite season, in fact, I despise summer. I just feel ugly through out it.

  I'm tiny, really tiny. Petite with small bones, short stature - 5 '3. Lately, I've been feeling invisible and that makes me feel smaller. I dress appropriately for my frame, I don't try to fit into clothes that look good on other people. I work with what I have, I've moved past that disappointment phase into accepting what I have. That's why I'm a little a surprised at me for this constant disapproval at my appearance,  


 I went to Disneyland last week after 18 years. Shame I know, but the opportunity never rose.
I also saw him yesterday, again. We talked and joked around for hours, he read me a story from H.P. Lovecrafts scary collection. We ordered pizza and watched a movie. He moved to a new place further away from me and he keeps insisting I move in with him, I just laugh it off.  I don't get this cycle with, I'm not sure if I like or don't. Uncertainty is not my strong suit, I'm always black or white and this doesn't fit in either.  I told him not to wait for me...ever and he told me he has gone one several dates. Everything seemed much more simple yesterday. For the past month I've been telling myself maybe if he lived closer, I would have given it a chance. When I meet him I'm glad to see him and confused, but after a bit I realize he's much younger than me. Despite the both of us being the same age. 

 I keep feeling this sharp pang when I think of someone to be with. I really don't want to look after someone, for once I want someone to look after me and I'm not talking financially. I just want someone to have my back and fix things in my for me without me telling, again, not talking about plumbing. 

I got straight A's this semester, my GPA is a solid 3.5. The past B's are haunting me. Next semester, I'm pushing my GPA to a solid 3.7. 

Ok, I'm done with my pining and whining. I gotta snap out of this. It's amusing how I can actually confide my insecurities anonymously, but in reality I would never admit all this to anyone,  especially somethings more than others.

He loves me, now what?

Absolutely, understand why exes don't communicate any longer. He messaged me and we went back and forth, some how the topic came back to us. Then I may have asked, "You're not in love with me, are you?" He said, "Yes, sorry."

 Oh and it only got worse from there, he is being evicted from his apartment two weeks earlier than scheduled. His fault because he know he had to move in June, but he didn't even start looking for a place. Anyways, he is being kicked out in week's time. 

Real kicker - someone stole his credit card info and emptied his bank account. 

I think I've made him hate me this week. Mission accomplished?

I just want ....

I just want to be looked after, if I wanted to take care of someone I would procreate.  Is it bad that I want that? Is it in our female DNA to want to be cherished and protected? - No matter, how independent or strong I think I am, I still want that. 

I really don't want someone who I have to guide all the time. I can provide counsel, but I don't want to be mommy. I may try to be the alpha, but if there is some else worth of that title they can claim it for themselves and I will surrender the title, gladly. I always just step into the role of a leader, I wish someone would lead just once. 

Is it scripted in our DNA? We want to be something and need something else...

 I'm a disgrace, goodnight.

Six wailing sisters - 1

 My mom has six sisters, all chose different routes in their life. Four days ago my mom's eldest sister slipped into comma, she'd been going through chemotherapy.  She passed away this morning. 

My mom's sisters are very emotional, including my mom. Anything and everything makes them cry, they are loud, over dramatic, and noisy. Now one of them is gone forever.

 She loved her husband a lot, he died seven years ago and she never recovered from that. He made her feel special, cherished her, adored her. He was her best friend, her biggest supporter, and after he died she was never the same. She used to love to dress up for him and giggle, that lady was never seen again.

  My mom remembers her saying that, if God were to ask for one of her children in place of her husband she would have given one of her children for the sake of her husband. She really loved her kids, not that she hated them, but she valued her husband even more than the children she gave birth to. They were very happy together and after he died, she resented her existence.

 The oldest generation is practically wiped out, my parents generation is considered as the eldest now. I'm part of the second older generation. The cycle keeps going on and one replaces the other. Only one generation remembers the other previous members and then they just become insignificant. Just like we all will.

Just fix it, please

Is it bad to want someone else to fix your life? Is it really bad to realize you might love someone after you've chased them out of your life for their own good? Is it so many more things I can't describe?

I don't understand this process, I was good last week, and now I'm back to longing for him. We're not talking at all, no texting or any time of communication. It's hitting me really hard, I messed up my last two math test, and had to drop that class, again. I'm confused, I know it was the right decision for many reasons. Pros and cons list here:





Pro:   

• Respectful
• Sweet
• Caring 
• Honest
• Good looking 
• Patient, very, very patient
• Not pushy in anyway - mannerism, sexually (I'm so afraid I'll never find that ever again). 
• Comfort level
• My hand fit nicely in his
• Made me feel special, like I'm the prettiest girl in the world.
• Came from a good background
• Beautiful eyes
• Smelled clean even when he was sweating.
• Was in four year relationship, loyal guy - would never cheat or at-least I think not
• Just held me and it felt right

 Cons:

• He was a bit soft - in a bad situation I would be able to rip him into bits.
• A bit immature
• Is not even a bit assertive or ambitious (again, in a situation I would tear him to bits)
• Insecure (but I liked making him feel good about himself)
• Not even a little adventurous - I was the adventurous one, shame
• Laid back, almost lazy (that would have really made me angry if I was to deal with him daily)
• Never made plans, I usually bossed him around and made all the plans.

still on the rollercoster

Just sit on the bathroom floor, collect yourself. Get up, fix your make-up, and go claim your future.

Over the roller coster and on to another

I wasted this whole semester, my math grade is declining (er...more that usual). I'm over my little crush, still a virgin, but I feel glad and oddly relieved about not confessing about it to him. He wasn't a bad guy, just really lazy, but sweet. If I were with him any longer, I think I would have smothered him with a pillow. He was a great guy though, respectful, polite, and adorable. Even though I tried to pursue a romantic relationship with him, I would reach a point where I didn't want it to progress further. We parted on good terms, he and I continued to text each other this past week.

 I'm really glad I didn't let it progress into a sexual relationship, I would have really regretted it. As the days are going by I realized, I made all the plans and effort, he just sat back. Hence, the lazy comment, but I don't resent him. Learn and move on.

Overall, good experience - no regrets and I learned. If a guy doesn't chase you, he'll never be there for you.
Despite getting to know him, I realized he knew nothing about me. I'm not talking about my favorite book or movie - actually, I don't think he knows that either - but me, my lifestyle, my background. He didn't bother to ask and I didn't bother to tell, I think even if asked me I would have summarized it vaguely. I never ever feel comfortable enough to let my guard down completely. 

There are two people you’ll meet in your life. One will run a finger down the index of who you are and jump straight to the parts of you that peak their interest. The other will take his or her time reading through every one of your chapters and maybe fold corners of you that inspired them most. You will meet these two people; it is a given. It is the third that you’ll never see coming. That one person who not only finishes your sentences, but keeps the book.

Now back to me : I need to get atleast a 70% on my upcoming math test or I'm going to flunk that class and USC will never even consider me. 

P.s. I gotta get over my obsession with USC and look around.