Feeling ugly, that is such a feminine cliche. Usually, I'm at peace with my appearance. I don't over do my make-up, by the end of the day nearly all of it is gone and I don't feel hideous. Off late, my skin is reacting to the heat. I've been breaking out and discolor in patches all over my body, especially my legs. Hence, the ugly feeling hovering over me like a stormy cloud. Summer is not my favorite season, in fact, I despise summer. I just feel ugly through out it.
I'm tiny, really tiny. Petite with small bones, short stature - 5 '3. Lately, I've been feeling invisible and that makes me feel smaller. I dress appropriately for my frame, I don't try to fit into clothes that look good on other people. I work with what I have, I've moved past that disappointment phase into accepting what I have. That's why I'm a little a surprised at me for this constant disapproval at my appearance,
I went to Disneyland last week after 18 years. Shame I know, but the opportunity never rose.
I also saw him yesterday, again. We talked and joked around for hours, he read me a story from H.P. Lovecrafts scary collection. We ordered pizza and watched a movie. He moved to a new place further away from me and he keeps insisting I move in with him, I just laugh it off. I don't get this cycle with, I'm not sure if I like or don't. Uncertainty is not my strong suit, I'm always black or white and this doesn't fit in either. I told him not to wait for me...ever and he told me he has gone one several dates. Everything seemed much more simple yesterday. For the past month I've been telling myself maybe if he lived closer, I would have given it a chance. When I meet him I'm glad to see him and confused, but after a bit I realize he's much younger than me. Despite the both of us being the same age.
I keep feeling this sharp pang when I think of someone to be with. I really don't want to look after someone, for once I want someone to look after me and I'm not talking financially. I just want someone to have my back and fix things in my for me without me telling, again, not talking about plumbing.
I got straight A's this semester, my GPA is a solid 3.5. The past B's are haunting me. Next semester, I'm pushing my GPA to a solid 3.7.
Ok, I'm done with my pining and whining. I gotta snap out of this. It's amusing how I can actually confide my insecurities anonymously, but in reality I would never admit all this to anyone, especially somethings more than others.
