I feel ugly...

  Feeling ugly, that is such a feminine cliche. Usually, I'm at peace with my appearance. I don't over do my make-up, by the end of the day nearly all of it is gone and I don't feel hideous. Off late, my skin is reacting to the heat. I've been breaking out and discolor in patches all over my body, especially my legs. Hence, the ugly feeling hovering over me like a stormy cloud. Summer is not my favorite season, in fact, I despise summer. I just feel ugly through out it.

  I'm tiny, really tiny. Petite with small bones, short stature - 5 '3. Lately, I've been feeling invisible and that makes me feel smaller. I dress appropriately for my frame, I don't try to fit into clothes that look good on other people. I work with what I have, I've moved past that disappointment phase into accepting what I have. That's why I'm a little a surprised at me for this constant disapproval at my appearance,  


 I went to Disneyland last week after 18 years. Shame I know, but the opportunity never rose.
I also saw him yesterday, again. We talked and joked around for hours, he read me a story from H.P. Lovecrafts scary collection. We ordered pizza and watched a movie. He moved to a new place further away from me and he keeps insisting I move in with him, I just laugh it off.  I don't get this cycle with, I'm not sure if I like or don't. Uncertainty is not my strong suit, I'm always black or white and this doesn't fit in either.  I told him not to wait for me...ever and he told me he has gone one several dates. Everything seemed much more simple yesterday. For the past month I've been telling myself maybe if he lived closer, I would have given it a chance. When I meet him I'm glad to see him and confused, but after a bit I realize he's much younger than me. Despite the both of us being the same age. 

 I keep feeling this sharp pang when I think of someone to be with. I really don't want to look after someone, for once I want someone to look after me and I'm not talking financially. I just want someone to have my back and fix things in my for me without me telling, again, not talking about plumbing. 

I got straight A's this semester, my GPA is a solid 3.5. The past B's are haunting me. Next semester, I'm pushing my GPA to a solid 3.7. 

Ok, I'm done with my pining and whining. I gotta snap out of this. It's amusing how I can actually confide my insecurities anonymously, but in reality I would never admit all this to anyone,  especially somethings more than others.

He loves me, now what?

Absolutely, understand why exes don't communicate any longer. He messaged me and we went back and forth, some how the topic came back to us. Then I may have asked, "You're not in love with me, are you?" He said, "Yes, sorry."

 Oh and it only got worse from there, he is being evicted from his apartment two weeks earlier than scheduled. His fault because he know he had to move in June, but he didn't even start looking for a place. Anyways, he is being kicked out in week's time. 

Real kicker - someone stole his credit card info and emptied his bank account. 

I think I've made him hate me this week. Mission accomplished?

I just want ....

I just want to be looked after, if I wanted to take care of someone I would procreate.  Is it bad that I want that? Is it in our female DNA to want to be cherished and protected? - No matter, how independent or strong I think I am, I still want that. 

I really don't want someone who I have to guide all the time. I can provide counsel, but I don't want to be mommy. I may try to be the alpha, but if there is some else worth of that title they can claim it for themselves and I will surrender the title, gladly. I always just step into the role of a leader, I wish someone would lead just once. 

Is it scripted in our DNA? We want to be something and need something else...

 I'm a disgrace, goodnight.

Six wailing sisters - 1

 My mom has six sisters, all chose different routes in their life. Four days ago my mom's eldest sister slipped into comma, she'd been going through chemotherapy.  She passed away this morning. 

My mom's sisters are very emotional, including my mom. Anything and everything makes them cry, they are loud, over dramatic, and noisy. Now one of them is gone forever.

 She loved her husband a lot, he died seven years ago and she never recovered from that. He made her feel special, cherished her, adored her. He was her best friend, her biggest supporter, and after he died she was never the same. She used to love to dress up for him and giggle, that lady was never seen again.

  My mom remembers her saying that, if God were to ask for one of her children in place of her husband she would have given one of her children for the sake of her husband. She really loved her kids, not that she hated them, but she valued her husband even more than the children she gave birth to. They were very happy together and after he died, she resented her existence.

 The oldest generation is practically wiped out, my parents generation is considered as the eldest now. I'm part of the second older generation. The cycle keeps going on and one replaces the other. Only one generation remembers the other previous members and then they just become insignificant. Just like we all will.

Just fix it, please

Is it bad to want someone else to fix your life? Is it really bad to realize you might love someone after you've chased them out of your life for their own good? Is it so many more things I can't describe?

I don't understand this process, I was good last week, and now I'm back to longing for him. We're not talking at all, no texting or any time of communication. It's hitting me really hard, I messed up my last two math test, and had to drop that class, again. I'm confused, I know it was the right decision for many reasons. Pros and cons list here:





Pro:   

• Respectful
• Sweet
• Caring 
• Honest
• Good looking 
• Patient, very, very patient
• Not pushy in anyway - mannerism, sexually (I'm so afraid I'll never find that ever again). 
• Comfort level
• My hand fit nicely in his
• Made me feel special, like I'm the prettiest girl in the world.
• Came from a good background
• Beautiful eyes
• Smelled clean even when he was sweating.
• Was in four year relationship, loyal guy - would never cheat or at-least I think not
• Just held me and it felt right

 Cons:

• He was a bit soft - in a bad situation I would be able to rip him into bits.
• A bit immature
• Is not even a bit assertive or ambitious (again, in a situation I would tear him to bits)
• Insecure (but I liked making him feel good about himself)
• Not even a little adventurous - I was the adventurous one, shame
• Laid back, almost lazy (that would have really made me angry if I was to deal with him daily)
• Never made plans, I usually bossed him around and made all the plans.

still on the rollercoster

Just sit on the bathroom floor, collect yourself. Get up, fix your make-up, and go claim your future.

Over the roller coster and on to another

I wasted this whole semester, my math grade is declining (er...more that usual). I'm over my little crush, still a virgin, but I feel glad and oddly relieved about not confessing about it to him. He wasn't a bad guy, just really lazy, but sweet. If I were with him any longer, I think I would have smothered him with a pillow. He was a great guy though, respectful, polite, and adorable. Even though I tried to pursue a romantic relationship with him, I would reach a point where I didn't want it to progress further. We parted on good terms, he and I continued to text each other this past week.

 I'm really glad I didn't let it progress into a sexual relationship, I would have really regretted it. As the days are going by I realized, I made all the plans and effort, he just sat back. Hence, the lazy comment, but I don't resent him. Learn and move on.

Overall, good experience - no regrets and I learned. If a guy doesn't chase you, he'll never be there for you.
Despite getting to know him, I realized he knew nothing about me. I'm not talking about my favorite book or movie - actually, I don't think he knows that either - but me, my lifestyle, my background. He didn't bother to ask and I didn't bother to tell, I think even if asked me I would have summarized it vaguely. I never ever feel comfortable enough to let my guard down completely. 

There are two people you’ll meet in your life. One will run a finger down the index of who you are and jump straight to the parts of you that peak their interest. The other will take his or her time reading through every one of your chapters and maybe fold corners of you that inspired them most. You will meet these two people; it is a given. It is the third that you’ll never see coming. That one person who not only finishes your sentences, but keeps the book.

Now back to me : I need to get atleast a 70% on my upcoming math test or I'm going to flunk that class and USC will never even consider me. 

P.s. I gotta get over my obsession with USC and look around.

broken

I broke it off with him through text. Yes, I'm a filthy coward.

My melt down is in full swing, broke into hysterical sobs while arguing with my brother. One good thing, I freaked him out.
He is surprisingly perceptive, realized our bickering wasn't the only reason that made me hysterical. Badgered me to confess what was bothering me, surprise - he might actually love me. Actually, he said so.

I need to fix myself and focus.

Summer brings out the worst

I don't understand why people love summer, I despise it. It brings out melancholy side in me,  I'm sliding in a full blown depression. I think I'm collapsing mentally, I think I've reached the brink of being used. I'm reaching a mental block. I cried today after dealing with my brother, he - as usual was blaming something on me. I sobbed like a really bad actress for a bit, my mom cried, too. She told me I'm her strong child and I can't break down, but I'm sick of being strong - I really want to be selfish. I might be evil or stupid or both. I don't care

25 - another damn year

I'm 25, I was in denial about 24 - now I'm 25. The tipping scale towards the 30s.

I took the day off from math class today, but everyone decided to take advantage of my free time and put me to work. NOW -I just want to curl in a ball and watch cartoons, except I got damn freaking homework to complete. Next time - shut up and go to school, ya idiot!

Also I didn't sleep last night, return of the nightmares. I realized I'm not going to be done studying until I'm 29 or 30. I should do something normal, maybe I should have a kid - you know for mementos sake or get a divorce.

new tactic - faking it before losing it?

I haven't done the deed yet, something is wrong. First off, why does it take a woman so long to be turned on?  I've always rolled my eyes at woman who "fake it" and yet they have sex with every Tom, Dick, and Harry. Why would you  put yourself through something that you don't enjoy?

Anyways, I'm not going to lose "it" yet, but I've been trying to test my limits. I thoroughly enjoy kissing this guy, being physically close to him is good and he seems to be really patient. Yet when we started getting intense my mind wasn't even a little foggy. I don't even know how to explain it, but the more interested he got the more er...un-interested I became. It was just cruel because he was so lost in the moment, so I just pretended to be into whatever the hell was going on. I just couldn't bring myself to say anything so I just went along. Apparently, I've learned to fake it - congratulations on attempting to enter womanhood? I need to do research

Soul shattering 3 am confession time

This is very humiliating for me to write, I don't ever confess this to anyone. I'm a adult, woman in her early twenties. I love my body and most of the time, all of me. I have no shame in being me, I respect me and I can face me. To explain this, I guess I should start at the beginning.

 I was raised by naive (stupid), innocent (stand by the previous adjective), young(idiots - too harsh?) parents. They were so not prepared to have a child, they got married in June and I was in their lap during their one year anniversary. My parents were so frightened of me becoming a drug addict or learning about sex, they home-schooled me. They also had more unplanned children and my mom became really ill.

 I taught myself most of the time, didn't really effect me. They decided having a television would be bad influence on our up bringing, so they eliminated t.v. from our life. I don't hate them for that, it kindled my love for books. I remember my childhood was filled with books like Johnny Tremain, Little Women, Gone with the Wind, etc,. No regrets there, but I never realized how sheltered I was until I was 16 and learned about sex. Yes, I didn't learn about sex until I was 16. I had taken a health class, but my dad did some of my  homework because it wasn't appropriate. Even though I read, I didn't read raunchy books. I was pretty much an idiot there.


In 11th grade, I performed so well on the standardized testing or something (I can't even recall). The school thought I cheated because I didn't shine all the time, so they conducted several tests on me. My IQ turned out to be 164, apparently, I was a genius. I got a scholarship for Otis and got an acceptance letter from Dartmouth and Berkeley. I took Otis and regreted it, but I'm done licking my wounds now.

The point of this is to show how sheltered I was, my parents are pretty religious, too. Earthquake last week, who caused it? God - not some goddamn tectonic plates shifting, it was because God was pissed off. Of-course, I would die before shaking their faith.

Despite everything my parents taught me respect, I gave it to myself the most. I never abuse or demean myself, I may criticize certain aspect of my character but I don't degrade me. I know I'm worth something. As for my IQ, I'm intelligent. Not in the mathematical sense, but I'm highly intelligent. Not arrogance, I just observe and process things faster.

My point being is those two were combined together it would equal me. This is so hard for me to admit, but I'm a virgin.  I've never had intercourse, I've attempted but not hard enough, apparently. I just been in my own world, suddenly I'm finding my inexperience to be a burden - I don't like the other term. I'm a young, intelligent woman, I'm open minded but why haven't I ever ventured down that path. I've tried to, I've come very close to doing the deed, but when I thought about it that moment didn't feel right. I didn't want my first time to be unpleasant or humiliating, I didn't want to regret it for the rest of my life. So, I just sort of tucked it away and forgot about it. I never admit this to anyone, other than Tara and my family just assumes I would never think something as sinful as that.

I would never admit that to a guy. No one ever suspects I'm a virgin, however, they do assume I've not had a lot of experience. Idiots, actually, I think I might be an idiot - dunno. Now, I'm getting out of my comfort zone and I might lose it - that's making me uneasy. I've been wanting to get rid of this burden, but I seem to be clutching to it really tightly. I'm baffling myself, usually, everything makes sense in the morning. Not this time, I'm conflicted - should I lose it to this guy who confuses me or wait for someone else? I haven't told him, but I think he suspected at first but I don't think he does anymore. I've mastered the art of flirting, I still get confused but he seems like a patient person.

According to the Penn State Collegiate: Men and women who remain virgins until their early 20's usually have a near genius IQ.

They might be on to something, freeaking idiots! Now I'm so confused, I can't sleep and I'm writing this down at 3 am.

P.s. C.M.Evans don't judge or do so and give me some advice.

Conflicted - why?

He apologized to me that night itself, within three hours. Really apologized, but the haze lifted of my eyes after that. He's stepping backwards, forwards to please me. Except I'm confused, really confused not about my feelings but about this situation. He is a sweet, polite Jersey boy - awkward and sort of insecure. He doesn't know anyone in Los Angeles and he is very lonely, now I feel attached to him and I feel bad about shrugging him off. I feel like I'm abandoning a puppy and now I feel awful about that comparison. I care for him and we have chemistry, but meeting him is barely possible during the week with my hectic schedule and he lives in Central Los Angeles. I feel like I'm dragging him along for a ride and my gut feeling says it's not worth it.

he broke my heart

He actually made hurt me inside. He told me I'm not worth it and that we had nothing in common. The last part hurt me the most, I can't change who I am, no matter how much you bitch about it. I'm going to study I forgot how lousy it was trying to connect with people. Apparently, I've been making the dean's list for the past two semesters with realizing it. I'll do something I know I can do.

Something is different

  I've been seeing this really sweet guy, who I like and I really have no idea where it's headed. I'm going to enjoy it while it lasts, he's a really sweet guy. He loves "The Simpsons" to certain extend, he's not into the night life scene, but is enamored by cinema. Shamefully, I admit I met him online and we met in person on Valentine's Day - not cheesy! I like him and I can talk to him, so shame in this game.

where should I be?

Suddenly, I have time. I'm still writing 5-6 essays every three days for my online classes, but compared to math work ...well, I've learned to stop bitchin.

I took this quiz about :

What City Should You Actually Live In?

5. You got: Paris
   

   You are an artist, a philosopher, a daydreamer. Your friends have told you before you seem to have been born in the wrong era, and they’re right. You want to live a life of passion and vigor, filled with good wine, great coffee, and world-class food. Bon voyage, you belong in Paris!

    

   AMEN!!!!I should do that just pack and tell my parents to shove it and Bon voyage!!! 

    and one more....

   
   

    Which Deadly Sin Are You Guilty Of? 

        You got: Wrath     You are super smart. Like woah. You read a lot about everything that’s wrong with this country and society and shows like Extreme Cougar Wives and you have opinions on Girls and Edward Snowden and you will voice them, dammit! You like to go on Reddit and also use the word “bonehead” a lot (at least in your head), and you’re 97% right on everything. Good for you! Just like, don’t get too wrapped up in all that. 80% of the people you talk to only say they read The New York Times. You’re better than them anyway! 

    

   http://www.buzzfeed.com/ashleyperez/what-city-should-you-actually-live-in

Tossed in the towel!

I did it, I dropped the math class. I just couldn't keep up and I F in the quiz, D in the other quiz. I can't afford to drag down my GPA. I'm not going to be applying to USC and....I'm going to try and not be hard on myself. 

The past two weeks have just been a haze and in all honesty, I've learned nothing. My  schedule was 
get up at 5:30, eat and do that day's homework. Leave home at 6:30, battle traffic until 7:50 and make to class in the nick of time. Class is from 8 -12 and then I'll make it home by 2pm if I'm lucky. Then eat and do my other classes online hw, after that begin math home work. Usually, I'd try to sleep before 12, but if my homework didn't get completed I'd be stuck. All together I'd get 5 hours sleep every night and eat even less. I've taken six classes in a previous semester and I didn't have to work this hard as I did for this math class. 

So, instead of hating my self I've decided to listen to my favorite cousin. 
 " GET A LIFE girl!! You're going too hard on yourself right now man.
Grades , studies - i mean all in good time. But why are you trying to kill yourself by packing in so much? I mean this age, time whatever is not going to come back. When you look back, all your memories will be nightmares about your horrible schedule of waking up early, study , eat study. sleep, study.....
Breathe girl...take time out, enjoy the better things in life. Im not sure why you're being so damn hard on yourself ?"

I'm just going to kick back!

First BANG -face down!

I got an F on my quiz yesterday, not a high F or an almost D, just an F. Straight up F! Never mind, instead of beating myself up I've decided to strap down and study for the mid-term on Tuesday.

USC checklist Deadline 2/1 midnight:
Teacher recommendation letter
Employer recommendation letter
Counselor recommedation letter
Get the Final Report application to the office
Finish essay #1
Finish essay #2
Finish essay #3
Finish short essay #1
Fill out report
Call office 

Studied so hard and ...

then over slept!!!Damn, frick, hell!!!
 Why do the weirdest things happen to me?

I am so exhausted...

I'm just keeping my eyes on the prize. I want USC!

first day of class

I've been up since 6 am, couldn't sleep until 3 am. I got the math class I needed that was one positive. Then I had to take my brother to another city for his class. My dad really knows how to take advantage of me, let him get home, and I'm going to let him have it.

Math is going to be challenging, I need to take this class and increase my GPA. Also, I need to work on my USC application - what the hell did I do during my winter vacation? I haven't even completed one of the 3 essays.