what now?

My dad called today, he broke his leg. It was so weird hearing his voice, I hurt from somewhere inside me and my throat was stuck. When I found out he was hurt, I felt so helpless. We dote on our dad, we tease him and adore him. We can't imagine anyone or anything hurting him, when he hurts I hurts.

Job change

 Problems at my work, I'm walking away. I already got a new position, you don't try to frame me and get away with it. I'm going to clear my name.

Latter day

 
 I spoke to my brother casually today, when I was dropping him of to work. I just lamented about my existence and tried to appeal to his emotional side. I made up a lot of stuff to gain his sympathy, then I played the lonely girl card. I told him maybe I should just marry that stupid, older grocery clerk because it doesn't look like I have any prospects in my life. Needless to say, my brother was appalled and he told me not to settle and be so stupid.

 Apparently, I can still appeal to his emotional side when it comes to certain situations and then I veered the convesation to drugs. I told him my life isn't going how I planned and maybe I should take his advice and try something but I didn't want weed I wanted something stronger. That rocked him, he told me just cause our dad took off doesn't mean it's the end of the world and drinking & drugs aren't everything. I wanted to ask him more but I backed off, so far he's showing good sense. I'm going to keep appealing to his sensitive side, I know he still has a soft spot.

 I'm becoming a master manipulator and I feel no remorse, but I do feel grey. It's what I need to do in order to face this situation.

I miss my dad, sometimes I feel bursts of anger towards him but not hatred. I just remember everything he's been through and I sometimes I realize I don't need really need him. I want him in my life, more than needing him in it. Just admitting that makes me feel hollow, it's what I feel quite often these days.

progress or something

I think he scared himself with effects of it, he's gone again tonight but he says he's going to the movies. he came back smelling of weed, I guess that's a thousand times better than weed.

demotion

  I dropped my accounting class, I spend two entire days a week in that class. I need to be closer to home base,  I couldn't sleep last night and then I decided this was the best.  That class is worth 5 credits, it took a lot of time from my day being present in that class and tutoring for it. I'm at home now keeping an eye on him and I've also managed to make friends with one of his pals. I'm hoping he'll help me out, also I don't think my bro has reached the point of addiction yet - at least from my perception. I think he used an inferior product, I don't think he used the "pure" quality. He's been showing most of the symptoms, doesn't sleep or eat. He seems to have this weird energy, keeps scratching his arms, and continuously rubbing his face.

 Last night, I couldn't find it was around 1 am and I located him in the back street. I literally dragged him home, he became angry and we got into a bit of a scuffle and I shoved him down the stairs. 

 I told my mom everything, she thinks praying can solve everything. Except I think I know what to do, to a certain extend. I've been home today, kept him occupied. He's been wanting my mom to give him a haircut but instead we suggested he get it done with a professional. That took up half the day and then I messed with his phone a little, no network - means no friends.

Day 1 - he hasn't left ,y sight all day and it's 7:18 pm

How does this happen?

I'm really don't understand. My brother is trying out new things, he told me tried crystal meth last week. I didn't really pay attention because he boasts and lies a lot, but now I think he's been using it regularly. I've made my mom and the kids aware of this, of-course, as usual my mom is  no help but a crying mess. As usual, I'm stepping in but I don't know what to do.

Progress is being made

Let's see, two weeks ago I went to a carnival with my younger two siblings. My babies were so happy!

Yesterday, we went to Queen Mary Dark Harbor with Tara. That was so much fun! The mazes were amazing, they really enjoyed, and so did I.

I want to have fun, so I'm just having fun! Even though I seem to be running out of money.

I don't get it

 I've never chased anyone and I'm not about to start now. Do all guys play games? I'm ... something/someone who doesn't like wasting time.

It's been two months since my dad left, I haven't heard from for that long. The weird thing is even though I miss him, I'm getting used to my life without him. Does that make me horrible person?

cycle goes on with little something else

My mom is in a full fledged depression, my aunt has cancer stage 3, and I don't know how to reach my dad. I'm desperate here, so I do what I do best and make lists. Take down one thing at a time.

 My mom has been especially challenging, she tried to throw my brother out. I've been taking her out keeping her occupied, took her out to dinner, the museum, and to all her friends places.

 Then something else that happen to me was, in my English class (with the really cute professor). There is a boy named Ivan, who sits next to be. Pretty eyes, polite, young looking - now that I think of it - he's kinda like me. Anyways, I had asked for his email address about 4 weeks ago and he gave me his number, as well. The teacher put on the movie  "The Great Gatsby", while the movie was playing. I started texting him because we were talking before that and then it was good! He told me he thought I gorgeous and he doesn't have the guts to say it to my face. He liked me since the first day of class when I crashed it, he then said he only comes to class because I'm there.  After that he walked me to my car, but even then he wouldn't talk about it and he can barely look at me too long. 

 I know how this going to end. I'm so pleased with this attention, but I feel guilty. All I can think of is I'm going to get to scratch of "the kiss" part from my to-do list. I don't know what I'm going to do, right now I just want to enjoy the "I  like you... do you like me?' part.