Relieved, confused and whole bunch of other things

  Well, that guy I was talking to "liked" me a month ago. Apparently, talking to me is amazing and he realized he should be more open with his feelings and now he's come to the realization that he loves his childhood friend. I just talked a guy I had mild romantic interest into admitting that he should tell the small town girl he loves her. How the heck am I supposed to compete with that? I'm the city girl and she is the sweet, small town girls who loves animals to death. In a movie I'd be the antagonist, the writer in me says so.

I don't feel upset, but I felt a slight twinge of disappointment. I don't understand it, I didn't want to get involved with him for a number of reasons and I encouraged him to tell her how he felt. Then why do I feel...something? Not love, just like a sadness something I can't fully grasp or understand.

On Wednesday, I went to Ice House Comedy Club with my friend, Alex. I tried to break the "ice" with him(pun totally intended), but I just couldn't, I felt nothing. I was about to kiss him, I hugged him and was about to kiss him and then I caught a glimpse of myself in my car mirror. Maybe it was the red lipstick or the long day, but I came to the realization why should I make the first move? I totally braced myself and had talked myself into doing it, I'm sure he wouldn't have minded just in the last minute I saw myself in the mirror. For some weird reason I looked really good, even after I do the complete make-up look I always find flaws in my appearance, but in that moment I didn't, I looked flawless.

Busy busy busy

 Had the event on Sunday, I was not pleased by anything. I worked the whole day, which I truly don't mind but I really dislike disorganized people and people who leave everything until the last minute. You never succeed if you procrastinate! Get that through your heads!
 The very next day was the first day of college and I didn't get a chance to rest at all. I finally got some rest today, two hour afternoon nap cured my exhaustion. Now I'm ready to take on the world.

My classes this semester:

Accounting - this is very hard, harder than I anticipated. I secretly enjoy it.
Math - I'm so far behind in math, I'll be spending another semester in community college. 
Economics - piece of cake.
Psychology - a bit of gambling going on here, I accidentally took the 5 week class. Now I have to work even harder not to jeopardize my grade. I tried crashing the English creative writing class, but I had a miss up and now I have to wait.

I need more math classes and then I'm outta community college. Unfortunately, I'll be stuck here another semester due to my math classes.

Let's I started in 2012 Spring and I took:
English 101 - 3 credits
Philosophy 101 - 3
Sociology - 3
= 9
Fall 2012
Adminstration of Justice -  3
Business 101   3
MGMT - 3
Global Business - 3
Art - 3
= 15

Spring 2013
Math 105 - 3
History - 3
Co SCI - 3
Anthro - 3
=12

Fall 2013
Math 112 - 3 
Accounting - 5
Econ - 3
Psychology - 3
English - ?
=14

Total = 50 credits

I need 60 to get done with community college and I need good math classes to get into USC. I have my eyes on the prize, I need to increase my GPA to at-least a 3.8 or maybe a 4.00? Realistically, 3.8 is close to my grasp. 

New discovery

 Guys my age can actually be intelligent,they can talk about books no one reads anymore and have insightful opinions on them. They can actually be great companions, except for one flaw, more than anything they love to talk about themselves. Non-stop, without taking a breath they love to talk about themselves. I'm a good listener, but even I reach a point where all I can think of is, shut up, just please shut up or choke on your spit. I think I'd be more entertained when I'm pretending to give you CPR.

I'm so going to die alone.

Need an artist! ASAP

I need an artist for the event!!! Like right now - live art - one artist with Eco friendly tools to entertain the crowd. Where the heck am I supposed to get one at such short notice?

C.m. Evans would you be able to do live art? or do you know someone?

Turns out...

I like to work. I make calls, write letters and proposal. Then I catalog it and keep everything organized. So far, I've got two sponsors for an the event on the 25th. Vegan/organic companies have it hard.

It's been two whole weeks since my dad left, he called on Wednesday and that put a big damper on me. He's in some godforsaken village in India, he's alone and sick. He was coughing and still smoking, I think. We spoke to him for 7 minutes and that made us feel worse. I know my dad is not running away from his family obligations. He's that type of person who loves to be a family man, he said he need to get in touch with spiritual side. He's never done anything but sacrifice himself for his family his whole life, I guess we can do this much for him. I just miss him terribly.

 I don't believe in online romances, but there's this guy on face book(yes, I know shame) who messaged me and we've sort of hit it off. I feel extremely embarrassed about that and maybe I'm reading too much into it, but I feel mild interest in him, romantically - yea, I'm shocked, too.

 

I do believe...

  I don't believe in fairy tales, soul mates, "what goes around, comes around" and so many other things that most people choose to believe in. 

Yet I do believe in God, even though at times I feel something stir inside me, but I would rather not explore those cervices in my mind. I feel if I explore and satisfy my curiosity, I'll darken a part of my world. As soon as, my mind starts sorting through those thoughts I distract it. I like the concept of blind faith, even though everything inside me rages for a logical explanation. I like believing in something, I don't believe in so many things that people choose to believe in. I feel I should have something I should believe in without questioning or over  thinking it. I so desperately hold on to this and ignore the rest of me, but I think I'm a fraud.

When I have these doubt's it saddens me to my core. Nearly everyone I know is raised with some sort of religion and no matter how awful they are, they still have this unwavering belief that can't be shaken. Why is my tower so wobbly?