A year since

I started this blog. I started it because I was having a really bad day and I had completed my traditional venting diary. I'm still venting, that's one the things I'm good at. My life hasn't titled upwards, in fact it slid a fewer more inches. My dad is not here it's been over two months since he left to go for ....something. My mom's eldest sister has cancer and my mom is sliding into a depression. Also, ironically my accounting teacher hasn't been showing up to school and it turns out he has a tumor in his brain.

  One thing I've learned is that I'm much stronger than I'll ever give myself credit for. So instead of criticizing myself, I'm going to make list of things I like about myself.

1. I'm not malicious - I'm sarcastic even rude but I don't have malice in me. I'm may even be gossip, but not with a malicious intent.

2. When I make up my mind to do something, no matter how impossible it might seem I do it. Someone told me I was a stern task master, I kinda liked that.

3. I love completely, no partial love. When I love someone it's with all my heart.

4. Loyal - I'm fiercely loyal.

tired of this

I'm really tired of this.

What the...

.
...hell?! I'm in love with every other guy, for the past week every guy I see is my potential mate. Stupid hormones! Sometimes, no wait! most of the time I hate being a female, do you know how hard it is contain yourself when you just want to burst into tears for no goddamn reason!? When it comes to tears I have no tolorance, when it comes to squishy feelings even less.

 This past week, I've fallen in love - yes, love- no less with every other guy. My first victim, my English teacher, he's in his 30s, married has two kids. That doesn't stop me from swooning over him and looking at him dreamily through out class. When he reads aloud, it's like I've died and gone to heaven. Besides, I think he can sense I'm crazy so whenever he looks up and sees me staring at him he averts his gaze really fast. Sometimes he glances back to see if I'm still staring at him. Poor guy! Jokes apart, he's rekindled my love for decent books.

Second is this guy in my accounting class he sits in front of me. The teacher put us in group project, he turned around and I decided I loved, I even could picture our kids.Guy is super shy, he won't even look at me when he's talking me. He's tall and kinda big, dunno why guys are intimidated by me I'm just a tiny woman, secretly crazy but still not impressive.

Lastly is this guy I read about in the news, Sheikh Jassim. Firstly not being racist, but wait I kinda am - these sheikh dudes can be real douches. So the puzzling factor, is why the heck did I get a crush on him? Since I'm a professional researcher, did my research on him turns out he's pretty decent - no 2nd wife, stepped down from the throne and other nice facts. Crush expanded.

 

Second accounting test tomorrow, not worried I'm getting a hang of it.

 

Somedays I just

enjoy my existence! I truly do, I enjoy the simplest things. I feel a thrill when I feel "normal" emotions. I'm pleased when I'm driving, stressing about school( I know weird) and the usual. Sometimes I just feel glad knowing I'm normal, I know that's strange but I've lived a pretty strange existence.

3 am and now

It's 3 am and I'm finishing my paper on The Great Gatsby. My poor brain is really working over time, I'm going to work 10 mins then I'm shutting down for good.

How is it Monday, AGAIN!???

Forceful spa treatment

  My mom send me to the spa forcefully! That's right she forced me to go because I'm breaking out and my body just aches all the time. She made me get a massage and a facial, it was relaxing but my mind doesn't ever stop thinking. All I could think was I could be finishing my accounting homework instead of lying down on that massues' table. I'm glad I got the clean up facial, I'm breaking out like crazy. I've never had acne not even as a teenager and now suddenly I'm a pimple faced adult. I'm having stress acne and nothing in my life is helping the situation. One task ends another begins and it never stops I've just stopped hoping it will.

 I had my first accounting test on Wednesday, it was such a beautiful disaster.  I knew everything but I ran out of time when I was completing the calculations and I just filled it in with the previous answer. I spend about 4 days in school and the other three with my online classes. Whatever time I have left over I work and then it begins all over again. 

   I really miss my dad, he would handle so many things. My dad is full time working dad but he would always fill up the gas in my car. I mean I used to do it, but still. Also, even though he and my brother would clash, he would still have some sort of hold on him. My brother is responsible for all my acne, I think I might be having blood pressure problems because of him. Everytime I see there is this pounding in my head, my ears become hot and my breath comes out in puffs. I think he's picked up new bad habits and some how he's gotten a job that gives him financial support. Most people with jobs learn responsibilities, he learns new bad habits. 

  Now I'm angry with my dad, I haven't heard from and I think it'll be best if we don't hear from him until his retreat is over. What was he thinking leaving that idiot at this stage? I'm really confused, angry and I'm trying to make sense of everything but it's not happening. I don't want to bother my mother, she goes through enough and my brother doesn't help the cause. 

Bottom line: I'm trying not to care so much I'm sticking to my list. Part of it atleast, I'm not going to pressure myself. One GOAL: kiss some guy/any guy by the end of this year.