He apologized to me that night itself, within three hours. Really apologized, but the haze lifted of my eyes after that. He's stepping backwards, forwards to please me. Except I'm confused, really confused not about my feelings but about this situation. He is a sweet, polite Jersey boy - awkward and sort of insecure. He doesn't know anyone in Los Angeles and he is very lonely, now I feel attached to him and I feel bad about shrugging him off. I feel like I'm abandoning a puppy and now I feel awful about that comparison. I care for him and we have chemistry, but meeting him is barely possible during the week with my hectic schedule and he lives in Central Los Angeles. I feel like I'm dragging him along for a ride and my gut feeling says it's not worth it.
Friday, March 14, 2014
Conflicted - why?
He apologized to me that night itself, within three hours. Really apologized, but the haze lifted of my eyes after that. He's stepping backwards, forwards to please me. Except I'm confused, really confused not about my feelings but about this situation. He is a sweet, polite Jersey boy - awkward and sort of insecure. He doesn't know anyone in Los Angeles and he is very lonely, now I feel attached to him and I feel bad about shrugging him off. I feel like I'm abandoning a puppy and now I feel awful about that comparison. I care for him and we have chemistry, but meeting him is barely possible during the week with my hectic schedule and he lives in Central Los Angeles. I feel like I'm dragging him along for a ride and my gut feeling says it's not worth it.
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I cultivate relationships with people who don't go out of their way to hurt me in the first place. In relationship -- I've never intentionally said or done anything to hurt someone's feelings. Never. So if someone purposely decides to hurt my feeling once, flagrantly, knowingly, they'll do it again. Then I choose to be around them. Then the next time they rip my heart off, or viciously hurt me, it isn't so much their fault, it is MY fault. If this guy is callous, or uncaring, or can be cold and mean -- just walk away. I got out of an abusive relationship last year where the woman I was seeing would deliberately hurt me emotionally, verbally -- and she couldn't help herself. She hurt inside and hurt people around her. I thought I could help her or fix this -- but I couldn't. So be careful about feeling sorry for someone who has hurt you or made you feel hurt inside. They probably hurt a lot of people before they got to you. : - (
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ReplyDeleteFirst, I'm so angry that someone hurt you. I feel offended that someone would dare to that. You want vendetta? lemme know!
ReplyDeleteSecond, you're are right, but I feel like I've experienced so little in the romantic relationship chapter of my life I wont move forward if I don't try this.
Your last sentence makes me pause, I'll keep that in mind.
LOL -- it is okay -- it passes. It has passed. All the things I got to learn from this person -- incalculable! Don't give up on people, being open to trusting them, and being open to loving them. Time gives us perspective and certain tools of experience -- but the amount of your time verses my time makes neither of us more wiser or unwiser. I think we're born to observe and to be aware. : - )
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