This is very humiliating for me to write, I don't ever confess this to anyone. I'm a adult, woman in her early twenties. I love my body and most of the time, all of me. I have no shame in being me, I respect me and I can face me. To explain this, I guess I should start at the beginning.
I was raised by naive (stupid), innocent (stand by the previous adjective), young(idiots - too harsh?) parents. They were so not prepared to have a child, they got married in June and I was in their lap during their one year anniversary. My parents were so frightened of me becoming a drug addict or learning about sex, they home-schooled me. They also had more unplanned children and my mom became really ill.
I taught myself most of the time, didn't really effect me. They decided having a television would be bad influence on our up bringing, so they eliminated t.v. from our life. I don't hate them for that, it kindled my love for books. I remember my childhood was filled with books like Johnny Tremain, Little Women, Gone with the Wind, etc,. No regrets there, but I never realized how sheltered I was until I was 16 and learned about sex. Yes, I didn't learn about sex until I was 16. I had taken a health class, but my dad did some of my homework because it wasn't appropriate. Even though I read, I didn't read raunchy books. I was pretty much an idiot there.
In 11th grade, I performed so well on the standardized testing or something (I can't even recall). The school thought I cheated because I didn't shine all the time, so they conducted several tests on me. My IQ turned out to be 164, apparently, I was a genius. I got a scholarship for Otis and got an acceptance letter from Dartmouth and Berkeley. I took Otis and regreted it, but I'm done licking my wounds now.
The point of this is to show how sheltered I was, my parents are pretty religious, too. Earthquake last week, who caused it? God - not some goddamn tectonic plates shifting, it was because God was pissed off. Of-course, I would die before shaking their faith.
Despite everything my parents taught me respect, I gave it to myself the most. I never abuse or demean myself, I may criticize certain aspect of my character but I don't degrade me. I know I'm worth something. As for my IQ, I'm intelligent. Not in the mathematical sense, but I'm highly intelligent. Not arrogance, I just observe and process things faster.
My point being is those two were combined together it would equal me. This is so hard for me to admit, but I'm a virgin. I've never had intercourse, I've attempted but not hard enough, apparently. I just been in my own world, suddenly I'm finding my inexperience to be a burden - I don't like the other term. I'm a young, intelligent woman, I'm open minded but why haven't I ever ventured down that path. I've tried to, I've come very close to doing the deed, but when I thought about it that moment didn't feel right. I didn't want my first time to be unpleasant or humiliating, I didn't want to regret it for the rest of my life. So, I just sort of tucked it away and forgot about it. I never admit this to anyone, other than Tara and my family just assumes I would never think something as sinful as that.
I would never admit that to a guy. No one ever suspects I'm a virgin, however, they do assume I've not had a lot of experience. Idiots, actually, I think I might be an idiot - dunno. Now, I'm getting out of my comfort zone and I might lose it - that's making me uneasy. I've been wanting to get rid of this burden, but I seem to be clutching to it really tightly. I'm baffling myself, usually, everything makes sense in the morning. Not this time, I'm conflicted - should I lose it to this guy who confuses me or wait for someone else? I haven't told him, but I think he suspected at first but I don't think he does anymore. I've mastered the art of flirting, I still get confused but he seems like a patient person.
I was raised by naive (stupid), innocent (stand by the previous adjective), young(idiots - too harsh?) parents. They were so not prepared to have a child, they got married in June and I was in their lap during their one year anniversary. My parents were so frightened of me becoming a drug addict or learning about sex, they home-schooled me. They also had more unplanned children and my mom became really ill.
I taught myself most of the time, didn't really effect me. They decided having a television would be bad influence on our up bringing, so they eliminated t.v. from our life. I don't hate them for that, it kindled my love for books. I remember my childhood was filled with books like Johnny Tremain, Little Women, Gone with the Wind, etc,. No regrets there, but I never realized how sheltered I was until I was 16 and learned about sex. Yes, I didn't learn about sex until I was 16. I had taken a health class, but my dad did some of my homework because it wasn't appropriate. Even though I read, I didn't read raunchy books. I was pretty much an idiot there.
In 11th grade, I performed so well on the standardized testing or something (I can't even recall). The school thought I cheated because I didn't shine all the time, so they conducted several tests on me. My IQ turned out to be 164, apparently, I was a genius. I got a scholarship for Otis and got an acceptance letter from Dartmouth and Berkeley. I took Otis and regreted it, but I'm done licking my wounds now.
The point of this is to show how sheltered I was, my parents are pretty religious, too. Earthquake last week, who caused it? God - not some goddamn tectonic plates shifting, it was because God was pissed off. Of-course, I would die before shaking their faith.
Despite everything my parents taught me respect, I gave it to myself the most. I never abuse or demean myself, I may criticize certain aspect of my character but I don't degrade me. I know I'm worth something. As for my IQ, I'm intelligent. Not in the mathematical sense, but I'm highly intelligent. Not arrogance, I just observe and process things faster.
My point being is those two were combined together it would equal me. This is so hard for me to admit, but I'm a virgin. I've never had intercourse, I've attempted but not hard enough, apparently. I just been in my own world, suddenly I'm finding my inexperience to be a burden - I don't like the other term. I'm a young, intelligent woman, I'm open minded but why haven't I ever ventured down that path. I've tried to, I've come very close to doing the deed, but when I thought about it that moment didn't feel right. I didn't want my first time to be unpleasant or humiliating, I didn't want to regret it for the rest of my life. So, I just sort of tucked it away and forgot about it. I never admit this to anyone, other than Tara and my family just assumes I would never think something as sinful as that.
I would never admit that to a guy. No one ever suspects I'm a virgin, however, they do assume I've not had a lot of experience. Idiots, actually, I think I might be an idiot - dunno. Now, I'm getting out of my comfort zone and I might lose it - that's making me uneasy. I've been wanting to get rid of this burden, but I seem to be clutching to it really tightly. I'm baffling myself, usually, everything makes sense in the morning. Not this time, I'm conflicted - should I lose it to this guy who confuses me or wait for someone else? I haven't told him, but I think he suspected at first but I don't think he does anymore. I've mastered the art of flirting, I still get confused but he seems like a patient person.
According to the Penn State Collegiate: Men and women who remain virgins until their early 20's usually have a near genius IQ.
They might be on to something, freeaking idiots! Now I'm so confused, I can't sleep and I'm writing this down at 3 am.
P.s. C.M.Evans don't judge or do so and give me some advice.
I was a virgin until I was in my mid-twenties -- and I don't think it was bad that it took that long for me to experience being close to a girl -- I saw a lot of heartache from friends who got sexually active earlier. I don't think it is wrong or bad for you to be where you are at -- we are all unique and when it is right, you'll know when it is right, and that is okay. I got a high IQ too -- they wouldn't tell me what it was. The best thing is how open you are, how you are honest with yourself about how you feel, and your willingness to walk through fear and doubt to answer who you think you are, and who you can be. Walking through fear and doubt is a powerful skill, and you are doing this by relating and telling your story here. You get a response, too -- from someone much like you -- I understand what you are writing and how you were brought up. I know friends who were similarly sheltered, and they are okay and happy in the world. They have a full relationship with a person of their choice, and everything that happened to them (positive and negative / skills and unskills) made them courageous and unique. So you're on track! There are many men and women who never said no or paused and asked if it was right -- as I said before, I think you'll know when it is right. Keep your heart open and we're on the journey of this life, more development are certain!
ReplyDeleteI think if you're doing things you really like to do, and you meet a guy who likes doing the same things, you could end up doing it. Happened like this for me. ;-)
ReplyDeleteOn a lighter note: I wrote one time that having sex is like shaking hands with your whole body -- so be sure you like whoever you're shaking hands with.
ReplyDeleteJust to clarify, I wasn't boasting about my IQ - mocking it would be a proper term.
ReplyDeleteYou and I have an age gap, can you use that as excuse to push my case? No one my age is virgin anymore - other than 3rd world countries and nuns. It was ok to be a virgin in your mid-twenties a decade ago and now it's a shameful burden.
Thank you for the advice, did I mention that I've given you the role of mentor and confidant? : ) I would love to annoy you in person someday.
You're the best! Truly. I didn't feel you were boasting, you were (and are) being transparent, and very honest -- very forthright about where you are coming from -- what you are feeling. This is one of your assets of character -- one of your greatest gifts. Expressing what is going on inside, and being willing to look at it, challenge it, and be known to others in dealing with the substance of YOU. It is a beautiful thing to go through, and scary too.
ReplyDeleteYou don't have to think what everyone else is thinking, especially if they are your "peers". I have never thought very much what my peers thought or think now. My mind is generally wider, and goes farther, than conventional thinking. I mean -- the possibilities and what is going on here -- it can't easily be summed up to be shameful at whatever place I happen to occupy. Especially if I'm listening to others, listening to myself, and being true to who I am.
So don't believe everything you can think. And don't worry, you'll think more stuff you can ignore (or accept) as we go along. I think you being the way you are will continue to change. Keep your eyes open, your heart open, and your mind open. This is what I advise myself too. Anything I wrote I use myself, first - to see if it works for me. :-)
I hand out poetry every Thursday night in Laguna Beach. You know where to find me. Have a great day and stay on the path you are on, I will too!