I spoke to my brother casually today, when I was dropping him of to work. I just lamented about my existence and tried to appeal to his emotional side. I made up a lot of stuff to gain his sympathy, then I played the lonely girl card. I told him maybe I should just marry that stupid, older grocery clerk because it doesn't look like I have any prospects in my life. Needless to say, my brother was appalled and he told me not to settle and be so stupid.
Apparently, I can still appeal to his emotional side when it comes to certain situations and then I veered the convesation to drugs. I told him my life isn't going how I planned and maybe I should take his advice and try something but I didn't want weed I wanted something stronger. That rocked him, he told me just cause our dad took off doesn't mean it's the end of the world and drinking & drugs aren't everything. I wanted to ask him more but I backed off, so far he's showing good sense. I'm going to keep appealing to his sensitive side, I know he still has a soft spot.
I'm becoming a master manipulator and I feel no remorse, but I do feel grey. It's what I need to do in order to face this situation.
I miss my dad, sometimes I feel bursts of anger towards him but not hatred. I just remember everything he's been through and I sometimes I realize I don't need really need him. I want him in my life, more than needing him in it. Just admitting that makes me feel hollow, it's what I feel quite often these days.
I've been reading this guy named Basho, and he wrote "The moon looks so much brighter, now that the barn burned down." I definitely don't want barns burning down in my life, I need my barn. I need people in my life. I don't want discomfort, and I don't want to feel empty. Your dad being gone, I can sense how I'd feel, I'd be getting on as best I could and I'd also have heartache. Everything that is happening to me is bringing me somewhere -- it seems to be helping me in the end, when I look back at some very tough times I experienced. I sure wouldn't want to go through some of the things that happened to me again, some loss, some relationships that ended. But I also love differently now, I care differently now. It is deeper love, seeing deeper, caring more. Because I got through, I also manipulated, I felt no remorse, I felt grey, I did what I needed to do to face the situations. I'm encouraging you, I hope, to have faith that this will pass, that nothing is broken or forever lost, and that we grow and gain confidence in the long run that the horror show of life ends, and it is more like a carnival with innocent and sometime profound rides to take. And in the end we leave the carnival too, and we're here with others, never separated by the good the bad or the ugly. Those are a lot of words! : ) Have a great day.
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