Focus on what is in front of you, be steady and ready.
I have a math test on Tuesday, negative energy was coursing through me. I went and enrolled myself into tutoring, screw pride.
These past few days I've been feeling betrayed by my parents. Now there is this cool calm taken over me. My mind knows what it wants, I know what I want and its not what they want for me. I'm by no means a selfish person but when I want something I'll have it. I'm truly a sensible person, I respect the person I am and I recently realized I like the person I am. I like me, I truly do and that realization gave a sense of drive.
My parents aren't the bad guys, they do want what is best for me. I think they're afraid that as time is going by I'm becoming older and I don't seem to be showing even the mildest interest in getting into a relationship. They've decided to take matters into their own hands and they've placed me in a situation where every spotlight is on me.
In all my cultures, the word honor has more power than life itself. You can loose your life but not your honor. You would never dream of dishonoring your family, no matter how headstrong or rebellious you are. Honor is everything and now I'm in situation where I'm to decide- do I behave head-strongly or accept the wishes of the elders. Suddenly I feel like a Geisha.
What can you live with? If I do something that I know is not right for me, then it is never right. Culture clash. The old ways, which are honerable, and the new ways that are honerable, as well. Financial support. Breaking away? Staying put? Defining your life. Defining who you are. Life is more powerful than anything we think, or do. Life is love, life is kindness, and finding the courage to keep searching, uniting with the truth, losing it, finding it again. In every situation finding kindness, on finding courage to do the things we need to do.
ReplyDeleteBrass tacks: I guess not doing what your parents want you to do, having them feel bretrayed and unhappy with you. Horrible drama. I suppose you having to support yourself and make your way on your own. Upheaval. End of the World. You have you, and a life where you get to choose where and who you want to be, who you'd like to be with.
Or: Doing what they want, marrying a nice boy, accepting, making a deal, an understanding with him, seeing how it works. Possibly this person will be kind to you, and very much appreciate you for who you are.
Risk in both -- one, the fear and challenges of being on your own -- the other, the subtile oppression having to be with another.
When facing difficult decisons, I must look wihin, to that true unselfish place in me, where there is no fear, the place in my center that knows the direction I must go. I must go where it tells me. I must, for my benefit, and then the benefit of others. I can delay sometimes, but I am complelled to be true. If I am true to me, I can be true to others.
I make may guesses here, about your situation and who you are, I am not being presumptous. Just trying to give more feedback.
Never forget -- you have a good heart. It is a treasure, the treasure of all treaures. I see you do love your family, and this is all not taken lightly. If I am brave and true, I can do what I need to do. When I do what I need to do, I keep a good heart.
Thanks I sincerely mean that and you've been so amazingly understanding - kind of surprises me. Most people I talk to support one side. I do feel so lonely because everyone sees the good side of the situation and I see two sides.
DeleteSometimes when I write here, I feel really pleased that you respond to my entries. Its like my diary is writing back to me.
I'm reading and re-reading all that you've told me. Its like a self help/motivational guide.
Thank you for having the honesty to write, to be willing to search for what is going on and what matters to you. Your courage is a good example -- you have uncertanty, but I think you also have the willingness to go through it to find what really matters: You. There are always two sides to something, sometimes more sides than just two! Look for all the sides.
ReplyDeleteI like that people can communicate and give each other hope through sharing and being honest. With others we are present to the pain, joy, or uncertanty of whatever is in the moment. Being present, looking at things as clearly as we can, is beautiful. We might start seeing even more sides to things.