Day 2 with only snatches of sleep.
I'm from a Bulgarian family, we're middle class and very family oriented. We have a/the matriarch in my mom's family it's her eldest sister, Tabitha. Also in my dad's side of the family me and my sister are the only girls. There are 17 boys! The matriacrh decides on marriage, you need her blessing - she doesn't solely make all the decisions but they have to pass by her.
Anyways, I'm 23 and still not married in our culture its considered a shame. I'm going to cross my "peak" this year. The matriarch of a family looks around in their society and family friends to see if there is suitable match for the girl. When they find a boy suitable enough for their girl they dissect his past, future and present.
In my case, it turned out to be my friend and distant cousin Isaac. My aunt introduced us like we'd never met and put the proposal in front of me an my parents. I turned it down promptly because Isaac is like my brother, granted he's not but he is distantly related to me. The gross factor is too much for me, my American side said, "Ewwww.." In my defense, the elders were trying to take mine and Isaac's innocent relationship and corrupt it.
Now I'm disgraced, I did discuss it with Isaac and he spoke to his parents and put an end to it. He spoke to my aunt, too! Except now I found Isaac had feelings for me and was willing to get married to me because he wanted to. I think I hurt his feelings, I didn't even bother to break it to him gently. I just went and raged at him, I didn't even stop to consider his feelings I just blurted out my disgust. I still stand by my disapproval at attempting this relationship but I wish I handled things differently. I didn't realize I was probably hurting him, it just struck me two days ago.At one point I even accused him of being stupid and not trying hard enough to put an end to all this nonsense.
Unconsciously I might have made him think he wasn't good enough for - even though I clarified the fact that it was because we were related. The families aren't happy, they're upset because apparently were a "good match."
Now I feel so guilty I can't sleep any more.
I'm very good with guilt, I carry it for days until it starts to physically strain me.
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